An Attempt at Optimism

In sticking with my new attempt at optimism, I decided to make a list:

7 Reasons Why Breaking Up Doesn't Completely Suck

1) No more guilt over choosing to stay in instead of going out, e.g. to a party. This goes back to the whole I'm quiet, I'm an introvert thing. It's not bad to like to spend time alone. I'm not an outcast. Believe it or not, people like me. I just don't like going to parties or big social gatherings just to get out of the house. I like to know about things in advance. I have to feel up to going to a party. Sometimes, I have to mentally prepare myself for that kind of physical and mental stimulation, prepare myself to talk to people, set out guidelines for what I want to accomplish, or what I want to avoid, when I attend those kinds of gatherings. That's a concept that's very foreign to many non-introverts, but it makes a big difference as to whether I want to go out, and often, whether I can open up well enough to enjoy myself when I do go out.

2) No more techno. It may seem like a minor win, but techno kind of gives me a headache. It's just noise. Even worse than the heavy metal screaming kind of noise. The only thing worse than techno is country, and I would never go out with someone who was a wannabe cowboy/country music guy, so for me, techno is basically the bottom of the barrel.

3) No more unanswered/unreturned calls. That was a big frustration. And for 7 years, I got the same excuse: "I hate talking on the phone". Well, when you don't live together, and sometimes even when you do, the phone is the easiest way for a couple to speak to each other when they're not in the same house, let alone the same zip code. It may seem trivial, but those little things--how's your day, are we going out this weekend, how did this project or that test work out, etc.--matter in the long run. They show you care about what's going on in each other's lives even when you're not together in the same physical location. Especially when you don't see each other more than once a week, if that, keeping up the communication is important. You can't build any kind of relationship or intimacy without it.

4) I will save SO MUCH on gas. Also, it may seem petty and unimportant, but it's true. That long distance thing has cost me more money over the years than I care to think about.

5) No more religion. I admire religious people who are dedicated to their practice, whatever it may be, because I believe it's healthy to be a part of something that is bigger than yourself, to be a part of a community like that; it helps you improve yourself and feel better about yourself. However, I don't admire religious people who think they're better than you or who act like they know more about life, the universe and everything simply because they hit up the Sunday service or meditate for an hour a couple times a week. I'll respect your belief and your practice if you respect my carefully considered choice not to believe or practice the same thing.

6) No more sacrifices. I don't have to choose the dopey comedy over the Oscar-nominated film at the movies. I don't have to eat at Qdoba instead of Old Chicago's simply because it's cheaper. I don't have to give up a night of writing because it's the ONLY free time he has in his schedule. As much as I like to know and plan things ahead of time and as particular as I am about some things to the point of being a little OCD, I think I was extremely flexible the past few years when it came to this relationship. I made those choices because I thought spending time together was more important than my preferences when it came to dinner or a movie or whatever, and for the most part, I think that's true, but in retrospect, I think there should have been a little more compromising--more taking turns on those kinds of decisions, as trivial as they may seem.

7) No more drama. I try really hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but being a woman, it's kind of built-in, so I have to work even harder to keep a level head about things. I'm a philosophy major, so rationalism is also built in now, too, and it takes multiple offenses to get me to lose it. I knew who I was dealing with, so I didn't ask for more than I expected him to give. I didn't make any unreasonable requests, for gifts, dates, or anything else if I didn't think he could live up to it, and believe me, it's a hell of a lot less than most girlfriends would demand from their partners. The fact that so little was contributed even after setting such a low bar is the biggest reason this break-up doesn't completely suck.

In retrospect, this whole thing probably should have ended three years ago. Maybe it should have ended six years ago. But it didn't--we kept coming back. I thought it was for love, for finding someone we felt close enough to open up to, for a future, but now, maybe it was just laziness--not feeling up to exploring other options--and fear--of not finding someone you could be that comfortable with.

Still, now that I'm here, I'm not afraid. I may be a little nuts sometimes, but I'm awesome. I'm genuine, I'm interesting, and I know I'm worth more than a once a week visit. I also know I'm not lazy. I worked my ass off to make this last relationship work, and I will work my ass off to make the next one work, but next time, I'm going to be a little more judicious about when to push and when to let go. I stick. But now, I'm going to try to focus on sticking only when it truly seems worth my while.

Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying.

The Worst Kinds of People

  I read an article today about the worst kinds of coworkers to have, the loud mouth, the bad influence, the rival, the downer, etc., and it got me thinking about people I know who are like this. Not necessarily coworkers, as I have pretty awesome coworkers, but just people I've known or that I know now who are people I probably shouldn't know.
    As far as someone who talks too much, I'm probably guilty of that one. I don't blab other people's secrets. Not secrets. I do have a tendency to overshare my own thoughts, and sometimes, when it's really good news or really juicy gossip, I have a really hard time not sharing it. Sometimes it's just with my boyfriend, and he doesn't really count because he doesn't talk about anything I tell him to other people, but sometimes it's sharing with my coworkers, and I probably shouldn't share all the stuff I do with them. There are some things that, because we work together, probably should be kept to myself.
    Bad influences, I know a few of those people. The ones that tell you to skip class to go to the brewery, the ones that talk you into coming to that party you didn't want to go to because it was going to be nothing but a bunch of people you don't know drinking stuff you don't want to drink, the ones that convince you to hang out or go do things that you don't have the money to do just because it sounds like so much fun. I think we all have this bone in our bodies--we all do a little peer pressuring from time to time, whether it's something little or something big. The difference is that we aren't the pusher all the time. Some people are always going to dare you to do the thing you know you shouldn't be doing because they have a little danger streak that they want to share.
    Overly competitive people--I was in IB in high school. I didn't finish, but I knew my fair share of overly competitive people. The ones that will always ask what you got on your test and caw happily when they find out they got one point better. (I did enjoy doing better than other people, I just didn't say it out loud that I got the better grade or that I was proud of myself for having gotten it.) The people who will always turn in the paper a week early and stick their hand up first to get their answer in. The only person I think I've ever really competed with is myself. I'll admit, I am a little competitive at work. I want to get my good idea in first, and I want my creativity to shine over everyone else's when I get the chance to. But I'm not the most creative person there, and I don't have the experience with certain aspects of the job that other people do, which limits me in some respects, and it means that that chance to shine doesn't come around as often as it used to when I was in school, getting grades.
    The downer is that person that can always find something negative to say about whatever happens or whatever else is said. I have DEFINITELY known people like this. It's really unfortunate because they're usually decent people, they just have an overly pessimistic outlook on life and people and the world. I have days where everything sucks--I think you'd have to be an automaton if you didn't have days like that at least sometimes, however infrequent. But some people are just distrustful, angry, regretful, and unhappy people that live by the adage misery loves company. These are probably the worst ones on this list because they bring everyone else down too, whether they mean to or not.
    I guess the point here is that while we all may be a little bit like these personalities from time to time, the point is not to be any one of them ALL the time. And maybe to be more like a few other personalities some of the time too--the encourager, the shoulder to lean on, the back-up, the giver--to balance everything out. (Sidenote: Using the new Blogger Interface right now. It's clean, and I like the posting part, LOVE the posting part, but the dashboard is weird. Too clean, too few buttons. Hard to find what you want.)

Be ambitious but not a shark. 

Be realistic not pessimistic. 

Be honest but not tactless. 

What kind of person do YOU think is the worst? 

Or... are you secretly one of them?

Share in the comments. 

I'm Trying

  "I'm trying" is one of the weakest phrases in the English language. I feel pathetic for even repeating it here. Twice. And yet it seems so fitting for so many situations. Falling behind in your work--hey, I'm trying. Can't quite make dinner and go to the gym in the same night--I'm trying. Keeping a straight face (or worse, a smiling face) when everything around you seems to be crumbling--I'm trying. Trying is useless. Either you do something, or you don't. You succeed, or you fail. You win, or you lose. Don't mistake this for making things black and white. They're not. They never are, even though things would be so much easier if they were. But when it comes to doing things, either you catch up with your work, or you don't. You find time to go to the gym and get dinner for the family, or you don't. You smile through the pain, or you make a sour face and grumble every time anyone speaks to you.
    I suck at hiding things, so on the last one, depending on who I have to smile for, I will fail more often than not. I also suck at multi-tasking. We are all much more efficient when our minds only have to focus on one thing. Right now, I'm writing. My writing would not be coming out quite so coherently were I also trying to check my social media, read other people's blogs, and eat dinner at the same time. With that, I fail quite a bit. And generally, I'm ok with it. We all fail from time to time. I prefer failing when no one's looking, and the only one to judge my failure is me, but it's not a perfect world. I also succeed a fair amount of the time. I get something done sooner than I anticipated. I managed to keep everyone ignorant of the fact that I'm totally full of shit. I finished a blog post. There are plenty of things I succeed at every day.
    But these little successes are almost never enough to carry you through the failures. When we fail, we fail big. Or at least, it always seems a lot bigger when it happens. The guilt comes up and the criticism starts, and the derogation sets in, and then someone else says something about it. One small criticism from someone else, even if they said it in good faith or to be constructive, can hurt and shock our confidence a lot worse than any of the horrible, self-deprecating things we can come up with to chastise ourselves. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to failure, because sometimes, a lot of times, it turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but all the hurtful things we say to ourselves when we catch a mistake or when we fail to do something are flesh wounds compared to the hemorrhaging killshots other people can fire at us. "I'm such an idiot, you say to to yourself, how could I forget to do that?" pales in comparison to "You didn't do that? All right, who wants to do that instead?"
    The best we can do is not let other people get to us. Easier said than done, I know. Boy, do I know it. But if we're going to end up in therapy, it should be because we're crazy, we're complicated, we're off our rockers; not because someone else drove us crazy, complicated us, or snatched the rockers out from under us (no idea if that is the correct contextual use of rocker here, but, moving on). Everything always seems like a big deal when it first happens. But the part that we control is how quickly it shrinks into something forgettable. We just need to learn to accelerate the forgetting process so we get over stuff quicker. The impact of the incident will increase the time it takes to forget it, but self-analysis and self-awareness are always helpful.
    PS: I MAYBE finally found an apartment. I agreed to sublet it, but I still have to sign papers and write checks and what-not. But agreeing and setting a move-in date seems reasonable to start honestly hoping. Thanks, Universe. I needed that one today. :)

Do, or do not. There is no try.

Anxiety Strikes

Basically had a miniature anxiety attack bubbling under the surface since Friday afternoon, causing me to neglect my blog for three whole days! For that, I apologize, but with nothing interesting to write about, and so much lack of focus and motivation due to said anxiety, I thought it would be best to wait to post a new topic rather than crank out something resembling a poorly polished turd.
Stressors and Anxiety Causers Countdown: 
    Anxiety causer number 3: I had to lead the review session for the test in the class I'm the TA for this evening, and I was quite pleased with how well it went. There weren't many students there, and no one asked anything too difficult. And even though it seemed like it went by fast, we were there for a whole hour.
    Stressor number 2: Also have come to a mostly decided decision, saying it aloud to someone this afternoon makes it more real, and that bit of anxiety about sharing that decision has been alleviated. More details on this decision to come (eventually), once it's actually finalized and there's no turning back.
    Anxiety cause number 1: I won't go into too much detail because it seems silly now, but I switched out my mouse at work on Friday because the new one they gave me was the wrong shape for my hand. And we're not supposed to change equipment without telling the boss, and the bosses were out of the office on Friday. So, long story short, anxious and guilty all weekend over a computer mouse.
    Is anxiety a useless emotion that should be discarded and swept under the rug as quickly as jealousy, fear, or regret? Anxiety does not accomplish anything. And oftentimes, we become anxious about something for no good reason because it turns out all right in the end.
    Anxiety and guilt are two of those emotions that strike me far too often without rationality, and in the meantime, cause distress and plenty of other unpleasant emotions. So, that's our goal for the week. Stop letting anxiety and guilt take over, especially when they override rationality. Hopefully you found this slightly interesting, as far as my posts go, and I really hope that despite being a couple days late with this post, it was a little bit worthwhile for someone.

Life is short. Don't let the little things get to you.

Multi-tasking Overload

When you feel like you don't have time to sit down, it may be time to slow down. However, multi-tasking can be addictive once you've started. It used to be: "how great it is that I have time to read this book or watch this movie, spend time with my family, cook a real meal for dinner". Now it's constantly telling everyone you don't even have time to eat lunch or go to the grocery store; you can't get to class on time; you can't finish your homework on time; one thing after the other. It's not only that you really do have that many things to do, it's also that you want that many things to do.

What????

    That's right. While you may feel that you have this many obligations, you can't get out of this thing for that reason, it's your fault. It's easy to forget that we made the decision to take all this on. Even though, at the time, it probably seemed manageable. For instance: I can do full-time coursework at grad school; I can work twenty hours a week; I can go to the rec center to exercise 3 or 4 nights a week; I can write my blog 3 or 4 times a week; I can do all my homework on time; I can keep my relationship going; and visit my family, and run errands, and maintain a social life, and stay in touch with old friends, and find time to eat, sleep and keep up some level of personal hygiene. It's exhausting, the things we do in our lives. But once you're busy, it's really hard to not be busy. One thing ends, you take on another.
    Being busy isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's productive. It's the American way. Productivity, efficiency, hard work--these lead to the good life.
    But, I don't see that. These lead to stress. Sometimes overwhelming, even crippling, stress. While I'm not quite that far along yet into the realm of the overwhelmed, every time I miss a deadline, cram something in last minute that's totally sub-par work, or cut short a social engagement or visit because I have to go to class or work or whatever, I feel not only overwhelmed with how full and heavy my plate is at the moment, but I also feel guilty. Guilt may be an unfortunate side effect of my upbringing, too much religiosity, but maybe not. I signed up for the class, shouldn't I do my best to submit my best work, show up on time, do the homework, study the notes for quizzes and tests? I made the decision to take the class, so doesn't that obligate me to follow through on those things? I think it does. And while I want to stay and talk to my friend that I haven't seen or talked to face to face in months, I can't because I have to get to class. Fifteen minutes for lunch is insufficient when it's in a cafeteria style dorm with lines and crowds everywhere you look. Wolfing down food because you have so little time to eat is not healthy.
    Minimizing sleep to get more work, errands, or obligations done is not healthy either, but we do it. We sacrifice sleep for many things. Somehow, this task or that piece of homework is more important than sleep.
    I'm not pointing fingers. I do these too. I cut social visits short. I turn in crappy homework done in ten minutes because I didn't have the time to do it properly. While I can do my best to evenly distribute my time, it never seems to work out quite as well as I planned. So, when you have a choice to eliminate one of your obligations or duties from that growing list of things to maintain and do on a regular basis, maybe you should actually consider eliminating it--and not immediately replacing it with another task or obligation right out of the gate. We need time for ourselves. If we can't find time for ourselves the way our lives are arranged now, we have to make time. If that means dropping an obligation or giving up one of our responsibilities so that we can find more balance and peace in our lives, it may be worth it. Exhaustion, overwork, and poor quality of work as a result of too many things on our to-do list are not good for anyone.

Confucius say: Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.