An Attempt at Optimism

In sticking with my new attempt at optimism, I decided to make a list:

7 Reasons Why Breaking Up Doesn't Completely Suck

1) No more guilt over choosing to stay in instead of going out, e.g. to a party. This goes back to the whole I'm quiet, I'm an introvert thing. It's not bad to like to spend time alone. I'm not an outcast. Believe it or not, people like me. I just don't like going to parties or big social gatherings just to get out of the house. I like to know about things in advance. I have to feel up to going to a party. Sometimes, I have to mentally prepare myself for that kind of physical and mental stimulation, prepare myself to talk to people, set out guidelines for what I want to accomplish, or what I want to avoid, when I attend those kinds of gatherings. That's a concept that's very foreign to many non-introverts, but it makes a big difference as to whether I want to go out, and often, whether I can open up well enough to enjoy myself when I do go out.

2) No more techno. It may seem like a minor win, but techno kind of gives me a headache. It's just noise. Even worse than the heavy metal screaming kind of noise. The only thing worse than techno is country, and I would never go out with someone who was a wannabe cowboy/country music guy, so for me, techno is basically the bottom of the barrel.

3) No more unanswered/unreturned calls. That was a big frustration. And for 7 years, I got the same excuse: "I hate talking on the phone". Well, when you don't live together, and sometimes even when you do, the phone is the easiest way for a couple to speak to each other when they're not in the same house, let alone the same zip code. It may seem trivial, but those little things--how's your day, are we going out this weekend, how did this project or that test work out, etc.--matter in the long run. They show you care about what's going on in each other's lives even when you're not together in the same physical location. Especially when you don't see each other more than once a week, if that, keeping up the communication is important. You can't build any kind of relationship or intimacy without it.

4) I will save SO MUCH on gas. Also, it may seem petty and unimportant, but it's true. That long distance thing has cost me more money over the years than I care to think about.

5) No more religion. I admire religious people who are dedicated to their practice, whatever it may be, because I believe it's healthy to be a part of something that is bigger than yourself, to be a part of a community like that; it helps you improve yourself and feel better about yourself. However, I don't admire religious people who think they're better than you or who act like they know more about life, the universe and everything simply because they hit up the Sunday service or meditate for an hour a couple times a week. I'll respect your belief and your practice if you respect my carefully considered choice not to believe or practice the same thing.

6) No more sacrifices. I don't have to choose the dopey comedy over the Oscar-nominated film at the movies. I don't have to eat at Qdoba instead of Old Chicago's simply because it's cheaper. I don't have to give up a night of writing because it's the ONLY free time he has in his schedule. As much as I like to know and plan things ahead of time and as particular as I am about some things to the point of being a little OCD, I think I was extremely flexible the past few years when it came to this relationship. I made those choices because I thought spending time together was more important than my preferences when it came to dinner or a movie or whatever, and for the most part, I think that's true, but in retrospect, I think there should have been a little more compromising--more taking turns on those kinds of decisions, as trivial as they may seem.

7) No more drama. I try really hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but being a woman, it's kind of built-in, so I have to work even harder to keep a level head about things. I'm a philosophy major, so rationalism is also built in now, too, and it takes multiple offenses to get me to lose it. I knew who I was dealing with, so I didn't ask for more than I expected him to give. I didn't make any unreasonable requests, for gifts, dates, or anything else if I didn't think he could live up to it, and believe me, it's a hell of a lot less than most girlfriends would demand from their partners. The fact that so little was contributed even after setting such a low bar is the biggest reason this break-up doesn't completely suck.

In retrospect, this whole thing probably should have ended three years ago. Maybe it should have ended six years ago. But it didn't--we kept coming back. I thought it was for love, for finding someone we felt close enough to open up to, for a future, but now, maybe it was just laziness--not feeling up to exploring other options--and fear--of not finding someone you could be that comfortable with.

Still, now that I'm here, I'm not afraid. I may be a little nuts sometimes, but I'm awesome. I'm genuine, I'm interesting, and I know I'm worth more than a once a week visit. I also know I'm not lazy. I worked my ass off to make this last relationship work, and I will work my ass off to make the next one work, but next time, I'm going to be a little more judicious about when to push and when to let go. I stick. But now, I'm going to try to focus on sticking only when it truly seems worth my while.

Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying.

Of Tips and Tithing Part 2: What happened to "There's no such thing as bad publicity?"

  The tail end of this story is that Applebee's fired the waitress for posting the receipt with the note on it. The pastor complained to management that the "viral" photo had disparaged her reputation.
    Seriously? You do something like that in a public place and you don't expect somebody to talk about it? Tell their friends? Spit in your food next time? Not to mention, this is the 21st century--you can't say, do or write anything anymore without somebody putting it on the internet.
    To say it violated the pastor's privacy is a red herring. A sales receipt isn't a social security number or a bank statement--how many hands and eyes go over a receipt from the time it's printed to the time it gets filed away in the records? Furthermore, I can only assume that the receipt was the "merchant's copy" and not the "customer's copy", so I don't really think the pastor had any rights to privacy over what she submitted to the restaurant for its records.
    I'm not saying we should post everybody receipts online--though it would be an interesting study into how poorly people treat and tip service staff in this country--I'm just saying there are a few things about this particular case that push the limits of common decency.
    On a final note, I am surprised the pastor didn't get fired. If pastors have the cash to be going out to dinner and then having the gall to write something so condescending and nasty to the person who did nothing but wait on them and try to give them a pleasant evening out, they have no right calling themselves pastors or even Christians.
    It goes back to generosity, something I thought was a basic tenet of Christian teachings--something you can't really be lacking if you're going to get ordained as a pastor/minister/priest, etc. This woman who posted the receipt is a waitress, not an investment banker. She gets treated like crap by a dozen different people every day--all I'm saying is you'd think a pastor would have the decency to treat her with a little more kindness and graciousness rather than resorting to derision and hubris over a standard industry practice.

I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.

-Abraham Lincoln

Of Tips and Tithing: Part 1

  You may have read about the waitress who posted her customer's receipt online after getting a cheeky note instead of a tip. Here's what's wrong with the whole situation.

The Thing about Tithing

  "I give God 10%," Bell wrote on the receipt, scratching out the automatic tip and scribbling in an emphatic "0" where the additional tip would be. "Why do you get 18?" (Yahoo News)
    First of all, I was unaware that tithing was still so prominent. Traditionally, dating all the way back to the Old Testament, good Jews and later Catholics, then Christians, were required to pay a tenth of their yearly income to God, aka the church. Over the years, since the Church split into so many denominations, I was under the impression that this was primarily a Catholic thing, but that might have just been my microcosmic worldview prejudice because I went to Catholic school for so many years.
    Apparently, it still lives on.
    The problem here is: who are you to be eating out and refusing to tip, calling on God as your excuse? Let me hash this out: a pastor doesn't make a ton of money that would go against the whole "worldly possessions" thing. But they apparently donate 10% of that income back to the church every year. AND they can afford to eat out with party of more than 8 people? I don't buy it. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. Simple as that. If you can't afford that extra 18-20% on your bill, stay home and eat Ramen. Period.
    Secondly, 10% of your yearly income is a LOT more than 18% on a bill at Applebee's. Not knowing anything about what pastors make, I have to assume they at least earn a salary that puts them at or above the poverty level in this country. They have to live somewhere. They have to drive to work. They have to eat. And, if the church doesn't pay taxes, I don't think their ministers and pastors would pay incomes taxes either. So, that's a goodly sum, presumably outright, of which 10% goes back to the church.
    Waitresses do not make minimum wage to put them at or above the poverty level for their yearly income. They need those tips to even things out and put their income at the appropriate level. The guys at Starbucks and Subway and those little fast food places that leave tip jars out--those guys make minimum wage. Most of them are part-time, so they appreciate the extra tips when they get them, but they don't rely on them. They're like a bonus.

    It doesn't work that way at a "sit-down" restaurant. The reason the 18% gratuity gets tacked onto large party bills is people tend to forget about the tip when the bill is so large to start. It's to protect the interests of the servers who are the ones who suffer if the tip is forgotten.
    Tithing is an outdated practice. There are far too many people in need of food, shelter and healthcare in this world to be giving 10% of your money to a church to build a new wing, erect a new statue, or pay for all those fancy robes the Pope wears. 
    If that money were going directly to build a soup kitchen, support a literacy program, or buy cots for a homeless shelter, that would be one thing. But it doesn't, and parishioners aren't always told where it does go.
    Check in soon for the follow-up and conclusion of why this whole thing is ridiculous.

He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.

-Sigmund Freud

Deus Ex Machina

Anyone with delicate sensibilities regarding the topic of religion, you may want to leave now (*sigh* there goes my bounce rate). I'm about to delve into it, head first, no tiptoeing around anyone's feelings--so if you have any inkling that you can't handle some honest evaluation of this topic, again, it may be best if you return to Insistent and Persistent on another day when there's a different topic posted. No kidding, exercise your self-control if you think you may find yourself offended by any of the following. I will not apologize. And I will not publish any excessively nasty comments, should you feel the need to voice your opinion in a particularly vulgar way.
    Still here? Don't say I didn't warn you.
It occurred to me today that perhaps religion is merely an attitude and not a belief or system of beliefs--at least for some people. What I mean is: some people have the attitude: Jesus--Yay! or God--Boo! This attitude or expression of feeling is different from the system of beliefs which can be outlined as something like: "I believe in one God, the Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth..." and so on (quoted from the Nicene Creed according to Catholicism-text found through Wikipedia). While an attitude is changeable and dependent, a belief system is inflexible and independent of opinion. You can't say, I believe in God and Jesus, but I don't believe in the Holy Spirit, when you claim to subscribe to a particular belief system. It's all or nothing. An attitude, however, such as feeling positive about God and Jesus, and negative about the Holy Spirit seems perfectly acceptable. (Note: As you've probably remarked, this discussion will revolve exclusively around Christianity, as I believe it is most relevant to a discussion of religion in the US today, and also because I have more experience with it than with other religious paths.)
    The problem I would like to address here is that there are way too many people holding religion as an attitude rather than as a belief system, but still claiming to hold it as an end-all belief. Every system is flawed (systems in general, I mean), and religion is no different. There's always going to be something that you're not one hundred percent comfortable with. But an attitude can change, even from one day to the next. Find twenty bucks on the sidewalk--Yay God! Lose your job--Boo God. Attitudes are fleeting. Holding religion as an attitude is as arbitrary as liking a flavor of ice cream. Monday I like vanilla ice cream. Tuesday I had an upset stomach from the vanilla, so on Tuesday I like chocolate. Many people seem to believe in God, and whatever bits and pieces of the religious system they prefer over others that involve God, as it suits them. They can quote scripture. They can reprimand you for whatever hot topic is the order of the day. They can claim that they know more about the loving arms of Jesus than sinners like you ever will. But so many of them would drop that God-loving attitude like a hot potato if the shit really hit the fan.
    The issue here is not that people shouldn't be religious. The issue is hypocrisy. Religion is a commitment that too many people take too lightly. Kind of like marriage. (But that's another discussion for another day, dear readers.) I have no problem with people who are religious. In fact, I find many of them fascinating (although I find many more of them misguided). I have a certain soft spot for religion, no matter how increasingly implausible it may become for me. So, this isn't an anti-religious finger-pointing session I'm running--rather, I want to examine those people who use religion as an excuse for their actions, as a bolster for their intolerance, and as a simple means of argument for the sake of argument.

    Those kinds of people have no business maintaining religiosity. God is not a pawn in your argument against abortion. Jesus is not a reason to be for or against the death penalty. And neither of them can be used in a discussion of gun control, primarily because guns didn't exist 2000 years ago. We've veered into politics now--dangerous waters, I fear. But, it seems that the two are inextricably tied because people refuse to separate them. Politicians use religion to support their ends, and private citizens use religion to support their politics. In any case, it's wrong because doesn't make their arguments stronger. It weakens them. Your religious life may in fact play a role in which issues you support or reject, but you cannot use religion as the explanation for supporting or rejecting those issues. Using religion to explain your non-religious beliefs is like trying to explain trigonometry with Shakespeare. The two are completely unrelated. As a result, it seems that people who do employ this tactic may either be ignorant of aspects of their religion, or may be one of those people who hold their religion as an attitude, dependent only on its helpfulness at that particular moment.
    I believe I've gone far enough now to provide my conclusion: (1) Be religious if you must, but don't half-ass it--we can't all be saints, but we can't purposely be sinners and claim that we're still saints because we say we're "sorry" for it; (2) Be political if you are so inclined, but keep your religion out of it--certainly there are other nonreligious arguments that can support your opinion that you agree with: use them. I won't say I'm right about all this. But I hope those of you who made it this far will at the very least consider religion and people who claim to be religious and examine these concepts a little more closely for yourselves.

Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay God.