Losing Time Or Making Time

  My dad likes to say that age is nothing but a number. I think that's something older people say because they don't like to feel old. I think age is a lot more than a number. Sometimes it can indicate maturity, legality, and other times, it's just a social identity that shows we relate to our peers.
    I feel distinctly old today, being it's my birthday. While 24 isn't a very big number to some people, it seems pretty big to me. I'm leaving my early twenties for my mid-twenties, and I feel like this is a milestone in my young life. 23 seemed young enough to still play the college-aged young person card, and 24 seems like the real line between youth and adulthood.
    I have been really struggling with the desire to become independent and self-sufficient and the desire to remain somewhat innocent, footloose, and fancy-free. On the one hand, I want to be financially independent, but on the other, I would really enjoy having a little more free time than a full-time job allows. Not so I can go to the brewery every day or watch TV even more than I do already, but because there are things that I want to do that I don't have time for right now. Like this blog.
    I want to have more time to write. I want to have more time to read. And yes, it would be nice to have more time to go to the movies or watch them at home. But it's more than that. I want to have time to cook for myself, shop for groceries more than once or twice a month. I want to take walks and do yoga. I want to spend time with my friends and my family. Plus a million other things on my to-do list. And I feel like right now, I'm budgeting my time as thinly as I'm budgeting my money.
    I feel like I'm missing out on some of the things I should be enjoying, some of the things I think I have a right to enjoy, because I don't have time to enjoy them. Most people would diagnose this as having my priorities mixed up. If you have your priorities straight, you can always make time for everything. I don't think this is always true. There are a finite number of hours in a given week, and there is only enough room for a portion of everything you want to accomplish. We end up sacrificing so much of what we want to do in favor of what we are obligated to do.
    It isn't easy juggling your wants with your obligations, especially when time or money is the constraint. But the only way to achieve your goals and make your wants become a regular part of your schedule is to say yes to yourself and those wants instead of no, procrastinating and making excuses why you can't. You still may not be able to get all of them in every single time, but you can at least make the effort.

Coulda woulda shoulda.

Overwhelmed But Flattered

  I was taken to an almost impromptu lunch yesterday (meaning I didn't know about it until that morning) and offered what might be considered a promotion. Good news, right? I was scared shitless the entire time they were talking about it. It felt kind of like an ambush, as I had no idea that that's what the lunch would be about. My coworker and I were both taken out and offered a similar position, added responsiblity, added stress, and a pay increase, though no mention was made as to how much that would be.
    My one year review was today, it was positive, and I did get a raise (yay!). But my concern was not even really how much the raise would have been for. It was more the added stress and added responsiblity that I was not sure I was ready for. It would be additional content management for our new site, which I was expecting, and the possibility of training an intern and supervising them directly, both of which I know I can handle. The thing I was wavering on had to do with the "project management" thing, which was the title that came with the promotion. Part of this position would have included me having to manage my coworkers' tasks and check on their progress on those tasks and projects, on top of doing my own task and time management. I don't mind checking in with people when my bosses are out of town, but I wouldn't want to do it as part of my regular job. I can't bug people about their jobs. I can't be the nag. I can't write on the whiteboard what they're supposed to do. And I can't sit there and tell them it has to be done by Friday because, honestly, who am I? Unless I can fire them if it's not done, who am I? Their coworker, who is younger than most of them, that is trying to keep them on track? I'm fairly certain that at least two of them would feel extremely pissed off about me in that position, not jealous, necessarily, but angry that a person of my age and experience--which is still pretty limited if you measure it by time--was put into a position of this caliber.
    We're a small company, and I've known for a long time that they've wanted to put somebody else in a semi-supervisory position to free up my bosses' time. I've had a job for one year. All the experince I have, the majority has come during this one year. I just don't feel ready to do all the work that that new position would have required. I don't feel like I have the personality to manage that many people's tasks. I can manage myself, and maybe one other person who would be doing the same kind of work as me, but five additional people? Plus my own workload managing content? It was just too overwhelming.
    Don't get me wrong, I was flattered as hell, but intimidated more. I know how much confidence my bosses have in me, and while it's appreciated, I know that a job like that would not just put me close to a mental breakdown, it might actually CAUSE one. So, without mental health benefits, or general wellness benefits (anti-stress benefits, to be precise, massages and the like), I cannot sign on for a job where I have no idea what the workload or stress load is going to be, only that it will be more. I am already stressed and I already work hard. More seems like I might be setting myself up to fail at this point. And maybe in a few months, once I get my bearing with this new site, I might feel up to taking on a little more, but until then, I'd like to have some idea of what I'm getting into. And in the meantime, I'm very happy with what I'm doing now, and I look forward to taking on the new challenges within that particular aspect of my job.
    I did get a positive review, which I was very pleased about. In light of the fact that it was my one year review, I went out of my way to put together a list of all the major projects, tasks, and writing assignments I've completed over the past year. There were a lot. Even I was surprised. I have written so much, and completed a fair number of major projects as well, and it was kind of cool to see them all in one place, rather than spread out over so many weekly activity reports. It was sort of as a defense against any poor performance things that might have come up, though thankfully, none did.
    It's strange to think I've been at the same company, and to think about how far I've come from what I was doing this time last year to now, but it's cool. I've never had a job this long, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else I can accomplish in the next year.

Happy work birthday to me... Happy work birthday to me... :)

What are some of your accomplishments in the past year? Either work-related or in your personal life.

Do you have any goals for the next 12 months?

Tell me about it in the comments below.

Grow Up! Or Keep What Childishness Is Left...

  That's directed at me, not you. Speaking profanity loudly while strangers are in the next room at your office is generally frowned upon. Technically we got away with it (I did not act alone this time), but it's not "professional". While we do work with some less than "family friendly" sites where I work, and profanity is a veritable part of working with those sites, censoring or at least talking a little more quietly, is probably something I should do being in the position I'm in.
    However, I suck at censoring when I'm around people I usually don't have to censor myself with, i.e. boys. Swearing like a sailor is something I've done for a really long time because I spend so much time around guys who swear like sailors. I will censor around children--no problems with that whatsoever. But around adults, it seems silly to me. If you have delicate sensibilities, you're probably in the wrong place, hanging out with the wrong crowd. I swear, and while I probably overdo it a lot of the time (and occasionally in inappropriate places and/or at inappropriate times), I think they're just expressive words, however vulgar some people deem them to be.
    There are a lot of words I don't like but I don't get upset when people say them (e.g. Michelle Bachman, tuna salad, bacon-wrapped anything, anything related to bowel movements, etc.). These are all things some people talk about that I really don't care for, but I'm not going to throw a fit and demand people omit stuff they think is important just because I would rather talk about something else. I'll just see if I can change the subject to something less disgusting, or if all else fails, I'll go talk to someone else.
    We're human beings. We're not perfect. I certainly am not. And when in Rome, I will probably do as the Romans do, unless it involves dangerous or illegal acts or substances. So, around a bunch of testosterone-laden dudes all day, I will swear, and the normal social etiquette that I exert in social situations among other types of people--people like my mom, my boss, or my niece--will stay in the background, and the dirty-mouthed 15-year-old kid I still am on occasion resurfaces. Unfortunately, Orbit gum does not literally remove profane vocabulary from your mouth. Only some bacteria. Unlike the commercials. I've tried it.
    So, I'm not really sure how to evaluate what happened. Profanity in the workplace is unprofessional, but, due to the profanity-involving work-related topic that was being discussed, it seems that maybe there's no need to apologize. On the other hand, maybe this is what you get for putting a 15-year-old in the body of a 23-year-old in a slightly higher responsibility level job. Maturity and professionalism are not something I can really put on for 9 hours a day. Eventually, my silly, uncensored, inappropriate sense of humor and mindset pops back out and makes an ass out of me. Opinions welcome. But no, I will not share any further details about this incident.

I don't think saying 'bullshit' is any less expressive 

than saying something phony like 'Charmed, I'm sure'.