Overwhelmed But Flattered

  I was taken to an almost impromptu lunch yesterday (meaning I didn't know about it until that morning) and offered what might be considered a promotion. Good news, right? I was scared shitless the entire time they were talking about it. It felt kind of like an ambush, as I had no idea that that's what the lunch would be about. My coworker and I were both taken out and offered a similar position, added responsiblity, added stress, and a pay increase, though no mention was made as to how much that would be.
    My one year review was today, it was positive, and I did get a raise (yay!). But my concern was not even really how much the raise would have been for. It was more the added stress and added responsiblity that I was not sure I was ready for. It would be additional content management for our new site, which I was expecting, and the possibility of training an intern and supervising them directly, both of which I know I can handle. The thing I was wavering on had to do with the "project management" thing, which was the title that came with the promotion. Part of this position would have included me having to manage my coworkers' tasks and check on their progress on those tasks and projects, on top of doing my own task and time management. I don't mind checking in with people when my bosses are out of town, but I wouldn't want to do it as part of my regular job. I can't bug people about their jobs. I can't be the nag. I can't write on the whiteboard what they're supposed to do. And I can't sit there and tell them it has to be done by Friday because, honestly, who am I? Unless I can fire them if it's not done, who am I? Their coworker, who is younger than most of them, that is trying to keep them on track? I'm fairly certain that at least two of them would feel extremely pissed off about me in that position, not jealous, necessarily, but angry that a person of my age and experience--which is still pretty limited if you measure it by time--was put into a position of this caliber.
    We're a small company, and I've known for a long time that they've wanted to put somebody else in a semi-supervisory position to free up my bosses' time. I've had a job for one year. All the experince I have, the majority has come during this one year. I just don't feel ready to do all the work that that new position would have required. I don't feel like I have the personality to manage that many people's tasks. I can manage myself, and maybe one other person who would be doing the same kind of work as me, but five additional people? Plus my own workload managing content? It was just too overwhelming.
    Don't get me wrong, I was flattered as hell, but intimidated more. I know how much confidence my bosses have in me, and while it's appreciated, I know that a job like that would not just put me close to a mental breakdown, it might actually CAUSE one. So, without mental health benefits, or general wellness benefits (anti-stress benefits, to be precise, massages and the like), I cannot sign on for a job where I have no idea what the workload or stress load is going to be, only that it will be more. I am already stressed and I already work hard. More seems like I might be setting myself up to fail at this point. And maybe in a few months, once I get my bearing with this new site, I might feel up to taking on a little more, but until then, I'd like to have some idea of what I'm getting into. And in the meantime, I'm very happy with what I'm doing now, and I look forward to taking on the new challenges within that particular aspect of my job.
    I did get a positive review, which I was very pleased about. In light of the fact that it was my one year review, I went out of my way to put together a list of all the major projects, tasks, and writing assignments I've completed over the past year. There were a lot. Even I was surprised. I have written so much, and completed a fair number of major projects as well, and it was kind of cool to see them all in one place, rather than spread out over so many weekly activity reports. It was sort of as a defense against any poor performance things that might have come up, though thankfully, none did.
    It's strange to think I've been at the same company, and to think about how far I've come from what I was doing this time last year to now, but it's cool. I've never had a job this long, and I'm looking forward to seeing what else I can accomplish in the next year.

Happy work birthday to me... Happy work birthday to me... :)

What are some of your accomplishments in the past year? Either work-related or in your personal life.

Do you have any goals for the next 12 months?

Tell me about it in the comments below.

Crisis Averted

After being stressed out for about two weeks now, the looming storm on the horizon has disappeared and it's sunny again. Well, maybe sunny with a few clouds.
    So, as promised, I will get into the "stressor number 2" I mentioned last week. (Just to clarify, this is the reason I've been absent and erratic from Insistent and Persistent for the last couple weeks--sorting all this out.) After long deliberation, some of which I've shared here, I've decided not to continue grad school in the fall. There are plenty of reasons behind it, some of which include job prospects after graduation (or rather lack thereof), not enjoying being a teaching assistant (which indicates probably not enjoying teaching in the future), and liking my job more than school. I never thought that would happen, but for now, I consider myself lucky.
    While I realize I have disappointed many people making this decision (a couple of whom I haven't had a chance to tell yet), being young and knowing myself well enough to make pretty good decisions about things, I had to go with the decision that would lead me in the direction I wanted to go, rather than a direction that other people wanted me to go. Sometimes those two are the same, but this time, they aren't, and I couldn't keep doing something that meant more to other people than it did to me.
    So, that's done. It's official. I turned down about 12 grand in financial aid (plus tuition waivers) for nine months of school next year--another thing I never would have thought I could do. Turning down free money is even harder than turning down free food for me. And with that done, I'm down to four weeks of school, not counting finals, of course.
    One of the best parts of finally sharing this decision is that everyone has been really supportive. I had been so worried that they would ask all kinds of questions and demand more explanation than I was prepared to give. So, me being the overachiever that I am, I prepared explanations, as in-depth as I could, to explain my reasoning. But no one did demand that kind of explanation. Not yet, anyway. But the people who needed to know most, the school, and certain family members, know now. I still have to tell the teacher that I TA for--and while I can hope she will have the same optimistic and supportive attitude as everyone else so far has had, I still doubt it.
    A good outcome of this is that I really don't regret this semester, despite the amount of stress and anxiety it has caused me. I don't think I would have known that I didn't want to be in grad school until I had done it and seen what I have seen and learned what I have learned. I'm a big fan of process of elimination, and doing a semester of grad school has shown me that it needs to be eliminated as a possibility for me and my future job prospects. However, it's not completely eliminated. I may still decide to go back, later on sometime, but if that day comes, I will definitely be applying to a different program. As much as I like philosophy, I never saw myself with a career in it.
    Although I never had the idea that the particular job I have currently would be anything more than a temporary place for me to earn money until I got my financial aid to finish graduate school, I'm glad that it has turned into more than that. A place with good people, good opportunities, and satisfying and challenging work. I'm not counting on doing it forever, or being at the same company forever, but in the meantime, I think--and desperately hope--that I've made the right choice. I get to be a grown up for the first time in my life, and for once, the idea doesn't completely terrify me.

Live and learn.