I'm Quiet and There's Nothing Wrong with That

  I feel like I should have a t-shirt that says: "No, I don't want to talk to you, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me." I have felt inadequate and uncomfortable throughout most of my life because of my quieter personality. It's not that I'm antisocial or that I don't enjoy other people's company; I'm just not interested in being around people ALL the time. After getting into this new book I've been reading, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, I realize that there isn't anything wrong with me--there's just a disconnect with the way our culture views people like me.
    There are people who don't like (or at least, limit their interaction at) parties or large gatherings, don't like to speak up in a classroom full of people, prefer to study and read and spend time alone more often than not. These people are often introverts, and they are often dubbed antisocial or socially inept simply because large groups of people, loud noises, and speaking spontaneously or on the spot make them physically and psychologically uncomfortable.
    I'm not socially inept. I'm not antisocial either. I like people fine. I will talk your ear off, if you let me. I do like getting out and interacting with others. I can be loud and obnoxious. I just don't feel the need to do these things all the time.
    Once I get to know people, I am much better at talking to them. At a party, I am much more comfortable when I know the majority of people there than when I only know one or two people. Either way, I am apt to be a wallflower, but at least when I know most of the people, I can be pulled away from the wall and into the conversation.
    When it comes to conversing, I can speak intelligently about things. I can share my opinions pretty eloquently when given the chance. But I don't dominate the conversation or debate too heatedly because I am terrible at speaking spontaneously. I can't argue about something on the spur of the moment. I can't win a debate without due preparation. And I don't enjoy doing either because it happens too often that the person I'm debating is more forceful than I am and will look like the winner no matter how good my argument is simply because I do not carry the same weight in my presentation that they do. It's not that I don't know what I'm talking about. It's just that I have a lot more trouble explaining my ideas verbally in a convincing way than I would explaining them through writing.

    My entire life, people have been trying to "pull me out of my shell." I like my shell, thank you. It keeps obnoxious, loud people and things out. It also gives me a quiet place to retreat to when I need to process information or think about how something works or why something is. (This personality trait is probably the real reason I became a philosophy major. Philosophers are often quiet types prefer to think and reflect rather than talk, speechify, share and sell.)
    And you know what? There's nothing wrong with wanting be alone sometimes, wanting to think for a few minutes before I speak, or choosing to observe rather than participate. That's just the way some people are built to explore and experience the world. We will join the party, speak when we're ready, and participate when understand the game or conversation subject. We just need, and enjoy, a little more time to internalize the world than other people do. It's not a flaw. It's a fact, and it's an advantage in many ways.
    Being quiet and observant means it will often take us less time to understand how to do things. We learn from mistakes better and more quickly because we took the time to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid that outcome the next time. It means our arguments are often more structured and reasoned even if our enthusiasm and decibel of speech is not quite as high as someone else's. Those are good things to look for in a person, whether it's a friend, an employee, or a partner.

    This isn't to say that quiet types should try to take over the world and eliminate extroverted, social, talkative types. As always, moderation and balance are important with any two extremes. The point here is that, I'm quiet, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just because I don't act enthusiastic about everything or laugh at your jokes doesn't mean I'm deficient in some way. It just means I'm taking it all in. I experience the world like a game of chess rather than Marco Polo. I reason my way through it rather than feel my way blindly. We need both types of people throughout the world in business, family, and personal areas of our lives.
    I merely want to point out that you don't need to try to pull me out of my shell or try to get me to speak up. I'll come out on my own when I'm good and ready, and I'll speak when I've got something to say.
    This is part one of a series on this topic (I haven't decided how many posts to include in the series just yet). Next time, I'll delve into more examples of how being quiet has shaped my life, and how people have tried to unshape my quietness.

Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.

-Lao Tzu

Nonconformity Is Not Always Rebellion

So, I just saw the new X-Men movie: awesome.
    But there's a deeper point to this one than just lots of action, cool special effects, and pretty people fighting each other. I don't want to read too much into it, but the premise of the X-Men has always been about conformity or nonconformity. Whether to fit in or rebel. Coexist or take over. The conflict is always present, and the decision at hand is something that is terribly relevant for anyone having an identity crisis or experiencing a coming of age, which is one reason the comic book was so popular with young people.
    We may not be quite as unusual as the mutants in the film are, but we all have had that moment or era in life (and if you haven't, don't worry, it's coming) where we had to decide to go along with the status quo or speak out against it. Sometimes this speaking out is peaceable, and sometimes it's violent or disruptive.
    Personally, I can only go along with some things for so long. Eventually, I have to put my foot down and say: this isn't working anymore; or no, I'm not going to do this. But all too often, we conform almost without thinking about it. Or we conform directly as a result of not thinking about it.
    I think we should stop that. Stop not thinking and start thinking. What do you think about the issues? Not what does your favorite television personality think about it, what do YOU think about it? If you come to the conclusion, after careful and deliberate consideration, that you do agree with your TV actor/commentator's opinion after all, fine, but at least you gave it some thought and can back up your reasoning.
    Conformity is about many things. In high school, it's about wearing certain clothes, listening to certain music, watching certain TV shows, or other things that are focused on your appearance, style and likes/dislikes. As a grown up, sometimes it's still about these things, but because your microcosm now extends a little farther beyond yourself, you have to worry about other things. Politics (even if you think you don't care), economics, society. Like it or not, it's important to think about these other things. We can't be egocentric forever.
    Coexistence with people we disagree with is necessary. Just because we don't all agree on things doesn't mean we have to eliminate the opposition. That is called fascism. And we should probably try to avoid that direction. But coexistence doesn't mean we have to keep our mouths shut. We can still argue for what we think and believe in. If we have our opinions, but keep them to ourselves, it's just as bad as not thinking about things and not having opinions, because then a certain group of people can make all the important decisions about politics, society, economics, etc, on their terms.
    Make up your mind and make a stand. It may not always seem like it makes a difference, but it could make all the difference.

Caring is not creepy.