An Attempt at Optimism

In sticking with my new attempt at optimism, I decided to make a list:

7 Reasons Why Breaking Up Doesn't Completely Suck

1) No more guilt over choosing to stay in instead of going out, e.g. to a party. This goes back to the whole I'm quiet, I'm an introvert thing. It's not bad to like to spend time alone. I'm not an outcast. Believe it or not, people like me. I just don't like going to parties or big social gatherings just to get out of the house. I like to know about things in advance. I have to feel up to going to a party. Sometimes, I have to mentally prepare myself for that kind of physical and mental stimulation, prepare myself to talk to people, set out guidelines for what I want to accomplish, or what I want to avoid, when I attend those kinds of gatherings. That's a concept that's very foreign to many non-introverts, but it makes a big difference as to whether I want to go out, and often, whether I can open up well enough to enjoy myself when I do go out.

2) No more techno. It may seem like a minor win, but techno kind of gives me a headache. It's just noise. Even worse than the heavy metal screaming kind of noise. The only thing worse than techno is country, and I would never go out with someone who was a wannabe cowboy/country music guy, so for me, techno is basically the bottom of the barrel.

3) No more unanswered/unreturned calls. That was a big frustration. And for 7 years, I got the same excuse: "I hate talking on the phone". Well, when you don't live together, and sometimes even when you do, the phone is the easiest way for a couple to speak to each other when they're not in the same house, let alone the same zip code. It may seem trivial, but those little things--how's your day, are we going out this weekend, how did this project or that test work out, etc.--matter in the long run. They show you care about what's going on in each other's lives even when you're not together in the same physical location. Especially when you don't see each other more than once a week, if that, keeping up the communication is important. You can't build any kind of relationship or intimacy without it.

4) I will save SO MUCH on gas. Also, it may seem petty and unimportant, but it's true. That long distance thing has cost me more money over the years than I care to think about.

5) No more religion. I admire religious people who are dedicated to their practice, whatever it may be, because I believe it's healthy to be a part of something that is bigger than yourself, to be a part of a community like that; it helps you improve yourself and feel better about yourself. However, I don't admire religious people who think they're better than you or who act like they know more about life, the universe and everything simply because they hit up the Sunday service or meditate for an hour a couple times a week. I'll respect your belief and your practice if you respect my carefully considered choice not to believe or practice the same thing.

6) No more sacrifices. I don't have to choose the dopey comedy over the Oscar-nominated film at the movies. I don't have to eat at Qdoba instead of Old Chicago's simply because it's cheaper. I don't have to give up a night of writing because it's the ONLY free time he has in his schedule. As much as I like to know and plan things ahead of time and as particular as I am about some things to the point of being a little OCD, I think I was extremely flexible the past few years when it came to this relationship. I made those choices because I thought spending time together was more important than my preferences when it came to dinner or a movie or whatever, and for the most part, I think that's true, but in retrospect, I think there should have been a little more compromising--more taking turns on those kinds of decisions, as trivial as they may seem.

7) No more drama. I try really hard not to make a mountain out of a molehill, but being a woman, it's kind of built-in, so I have to work even harder to keep a level head about things. I'm a philosophy major, so rationalism is also built in now, too, and it takes multiple offenses to get me to lose it. I knew who I was dealing with, so I didn't ask for more than I expected him to give. I didn't make any unreasonable requests, for gifts, dates, or anything else if I didn't think he could live up to it, and believe me, it's a hell of a lot less than most girlfriends would demand from their partners. The fact that so little was contributed even after setting such a low bar is the biggest reason this break-up doesn't completely suck.

In retrospect, this whole thing probably should have ended three years ago. Maybe it should have ended six years ago. But it didn't--we kept coming back. I thought it was for love, for finding someone we felt close enough to open up to, for a future, but now, maybe it was just laziness--not feeling up to exploring other options--and fear--of not finding someone you could be that comfortable with.

Still, now that I'm here, I'm not afraid. I may be a little nuts sometimes, but I'm awesome. I'm genuine, I'm interesting, and I know I'm worth more than a once a week visit. I also know I'm not lazy. I worked my ass off to make this last relationship work, and I will work my ass off to make the next one work, but next time, I'm going to be a little more judicious about when to push and when to let go. I stick. But now, I'm going to try to focus on sticking only when it truly seems worth my while.

Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying.

Of Tips and Tithing Part 2: What happened to "There's no such thing as bad publicity?"

  The tail end of this story is that Applebee's fired the waitress for posting the receipt with the note on it. The pastor complained to management that the "viral" photo had disparaged her reputation.
    Seriously? You do something like that in a public place and you don't expect somebody to talk about it? Tell their friends? Spit in your food next time? Not to mention, this is the 21st century--you can't say, do or write anything anymore without somebody putting it on the internet.
    To say it violated the pastor's privacy is a red herring. A sales receipt isn't a social security number or a bank statement--how many hands and eyes go over a receipt from the time it's printed to the time it gets filed away in the records? Furthermore, I can only assume that the receipt was the "merchant's copy" and not the "customer's copy", so I don't really think the pastor had any rights to privacy over what she submitted to the restaurant for its records.
    I'm not saying we should post everybody receipts online--though it would be an interesting study into how poorly people treat and tip service staff in this country--I'm just saying there are a few things about this particular case that push the limits of common decency.
    On a final note, I am surprised the pastor didn't get fired. If pastors have the cash to be going out to dinner and then having the gall to write something so condescending and nasty to the person who did nothing but wait on them and try to give them a pleasant evening out, they have no right calling themselves pastors or even Christians.
    It goes back to generosity, something I thought was a basic tenet of Christian teachings--something you can't really be lacking if you're going to get ordained as a pastor/minister/priest, etc. This woman who posted the receipt is a waitress, not an investment banker. She gets treated like crap by a dozen different people every day--all I'm saying is you'd think a pastor would have the decency to treat her with a little more kindness and graciousness rather than resorting to derision and hubris over a standard industry practice.

I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.

-Abraham Lincoln

Of Tips and Tithing: Part 1

  You may have read about the waitress who posted her customer's receipt online after getting a cheeky note instead of a tip. Here's what's wrong with the whole situation.

The Thing about Tithing

  "I give God 10%," Bell wrote on the receipt, scratching out the automatic tip and scribbling in an emphatic "0" where the additional tip would be. "Why do you get 18?" (Yahoo News)
    First of all, I was unaware that tithing was still so prominent. Traditionally, dating all the way back to the Old Testament, good Jews and later Catholics, then Christians, were required to pay a tenth of their yearly income to God, aka the church. Over the years, since the Church split into so many denominations, I was under the impression that this was primarily a Catholic thing, but that might have just been my microcosmic worldview prejudice because I went to Catholic school for so many years.
    Apparently, it still lives on.
    The problem here is: who are you to be eating out and refusing to tip, calling on God as your excuse? Let me hash this out: a pastor doesn't make a ton of money that would go against the whole "worldly possessions" thing. But they apparently donate 10% of that income back to the church every year. AND they can afford to eat out with party of more than 8 people? I don't buy it. If you can afford to eat out, you can afford to tip. Simple as that. If you can't afford that extra 18-20% on your bill, stay home and eat Ramen. Period.
    Secondly, 10% of your yearly income is a LOT more than 18% on a bill at Applebee's. Not knowing anything about what pastors make, I have to assume they at least earn a salary that puts them at or above the poverty level in this country. They have to live somewhere. They have to drive to work. They have to eat. And, if the church doesn't pay taxes, I don't think their ministers and pastors would pay incomes taxes either. So, that's a goodly sum, presumably outright, of which 10% goes back to the church.
    Waitresses do not make minimum wage to put them at or above the poverty level for their yearly income. They need those tips to even things out and put their income at the appropriate level. The guys at Starbucks and Subway and those little fast food places that leave tip jars out--those guys make minimum wage. Most of them are part-time, so they appreciate the extra tips when they get them, but they don't rely on them. They're like a bonus.

    It doesn't work that way at a "sit-down" restaurant. The reason the 18% gratuity gets tacked onto large party bills is people tend to forget about the tip when the bill is so large to start. It's to protect the interests of the servers who are the ones who suffer if the tip is forgotten.
    Tithing is an outdated practice. There are far too many people in need of food, shelter and healthcare in this world to be giving 10% of your money to a church to build a new wing, erect a new statue, or pay for all those fancy robes the Pope wears. 
    If that money were going directly to build a soup kitchen, support a literacy program, or buy cots for a homeless shelter, that would be one thing. But it doesn't, and parishioners aren't always told where it does go.
    Check in soon for the follow-up and conclusion of why this whole thing is ridiculous.

He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.

-Sigmund Freud

On Being Quiet: Part 2

  Western culture rewards extroverted behavior--assertive, overbearing at times, jovial, bubbly. When I was kid, everyone commented how smart I was and how great it was that I liked reading a book and drawing when I didn't have any other kids to play with. As I got older, I was pigeon-holed for being too shy, too quiet, and too antisocial. I still made friends. But I didn't have as many friends because I wasn't really shiny and bubbly. I didn't make the first move in the conversation. I didn't like to crack jokes or put myself on display so that others would see how funny I was. You don't get me until you get to know a little better.
    At work, being a person at the point of sale at the cash register and being the receptionist answering the phone and greeting people at the front desk, I also was criticized (albeit more politely and constructively) for being too quiet. Now I know, maybe I shouldn't be in a job where I have to answer the phone or greet people. It isn't that I'm unfriendly, I'm just shy about it.Yes, still. even when it's my job not to be, it's still difficult to pretend to be happy to see a customer or a client when it really doesn't make a difference to me personally if they are there or not. It's not like I worked on commission or like I knew them all really well.
    The last thing I am is phony, which is probably a big reason why I am not very good at small talk with strangers or greeting customers. I am focused on my other tasks and my own thoughts and projects, and having to put on this happy face feels false to me. Some people consider it just being friendly, but I draw a line between what I consider friendly and what I would consider going overboard with vivacity, for me anyway. I will smile and say hello, friendly enough for me, but I'm not going to strike up a conversation about your kids or the weather or the basketball game last night (overly vivacious).
    All this time, I've felt like there was something wrong with me because I wasn't bubbly and giggly and super-friendly and didn't like parties or participating in class or meetings when I didn't have anything constructive to add. Now I realize that there's nothing wrong with me for being that way. It's just how I'm wired, genetically and through my upbringing, and I don't see why I should be forced to be somebody that I'm not.
    I have other valuable traits and skills that are a result of my quietness and I think that people should take advantage of those things and reward and appreciate those parts of my abilities and my personality rather than trying to mold me into something I'm not. I'm not a dog--I'm not going to jump all over you and wag my tail and bark when you come into the room. I don't even do that with people I really care about and know well. I will be polite, but I can't promise anything more than that until we know each other better.

    As a child, I was painfully shy. I am not as shy now, but I will still avoid large groups of people and noise and anything that stresses me out physically. As a child, I was extremely sensitive to this things. I got sick in church once because I became so incredibly nauseatingly claustrophobic surrounded by so many people. I am still claustrophobic in crowds of people (paradoxically, many small spaces are quite comforting to me) and I will start hyperventilating if it gets really uncomfortable, but it occurs more at parties where I'm expected to interact rather than coming out of a movie theater in a massive throng or standing next to people at a concert. I don't know these people and no one is asking me to get to know them. But at a party or a "networking" event or some other social gathering that I'm expected to participate in, that's when the claustrophobia and anxiety sets in.
    While I can now stand up and give a presentation, in front of 5 people or 50, I can't do it off the cuff. I have to have time to prepare. Some of the problems I experienced throughout my education and other situations growing up is because I was expected to adhere to a standard that was set for extroverted people. I am terrible with the Socratic method (used too much in philosophy classrooms considering how many of us are introverts!) because I need more time to process and formulate my answer. I'm not stalling because I don't know it (not every time, at least)--I'm trying to put my thoughts into words and put those words together in a coherent manner. I simply cannot come up with something to say just because you point at me when my hand wasn't raised.

    It's also why I don't like arguing or debating. It's not that I don't have good opinions or interesting insights. I think a lot! I've got plenty! It's just that in an argument, particularly, even a friendly one, trying to follow the other person's line of thought while managing my own and trying to figure out when to respond to their point and when to propose mine is a lot of mental work--if you think about it, those who are able to do this easily are really amazing communicators! I can't formulate my ideas at the same time as I'm digesting the other person's. Which means I lose a lot of arguments. I don't "think on my feet" well. Many people like to assume they win an argument because they are able to speak more forcefully and confidently than their opponent, but this is not always the case. Confidence does not equal correctness. It just means they are better verbal communicators.
    This is why I also prefer writing to speaking. I can take my time to work on a problem or an argument or a topic and add the right details and evidence and background information. I can work at my own pace and I can go back and rework something if it's unclear or if I think of something to add.
    One thing I realized recently is that maybe I should not be looking for a position that requires me to answer phones or greet customers. I may be good at the other "introverted" parts of the position, working individually, organizing dates, projects, files, managing my time, but I am not as good at the "extroverted" aspects which require a more social aspect with strangers that makes me feel uncomfortable and like I am not being myself.
    Part 3 of this series will be focused on the book itself. Why people should read it, where it was really beneficial and where it was lacking. Still haven't decided if I'll do any additional commentary beyond that, but it's given me a lot to write about so far, so it's possible!

“Or at school you may have been prodded to "come out of your shell"- that noxious expression that fails to appreciate that some animals naturally carry shelter wherever they go, and that some humans are just the same.”

  -Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

I'm Quiet and There's Nothing Wrong with That

  I feel like I should have a t-shirt that says: "No, I don't want to talk to you, and that doesn't mean there's something wrong with me." I have felt inadequate and uncomfortable throughout most of my life because of my quieter personality. It's not that I'm antisocial or that I don't enjoy other people's company; I'm just not interested in being around people ALL the time. After getting into this new book I've been reading, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, I realize that there isn't anything wrong with me--there's just a disconnect with the way our culture views people like me.
    There are people who don't like (or at least, limit their interaction at) parties or large gatherings, don't like to speak up in a classroom full of people, prefer to study and read and spend time alone more often than not. These people are often introverts, and they are often dubbed antisocial or socially inept simply because large groups of people, loud noises, and speaking spontaneously or on the spot make them physically and psychologically uncomfortable.
    I'm not socially inept. I'm not antisocial either. I like people fine. I will talk your ear off, if you let me. I do like getting out and interacting with others. I can be loud and obnoxious. I just don't feel the need to do these things all the time.
    Once I get to know people, I am much better at talking to them. At a party, I am much more comfortable when I know the majority of people there than when I only know one or two people. Either way, I am apt to be a wallflower, but at least when I know most of the people, I can be pulled away from the wall and into the conversation.
    When it comes to conversing, I can speak intelligently about things. I can share my opinions pretty eloquently when given the chance. But I don't dominate the conversation or debate too heatedly because I am terrible at speaking spontaneously. I can't argue about something on the spur of the moment. I can't win a debate without due preparation. And I don't enjoy doing either because it happens too often that the person I'm debating is more forceful than I am and will look like the winner no matter how good my argument is simply because I do not carry the same weight in my presentation that they do. It's not that I don't know what I'm talking about. It's just that I have a lot more trouble explaining my ideas verbally in a convincing way than I would explaining them through writing.

    My entire life, people have been trying to "pull me out of my shell." I like my shell, thank you. It keeps obnoxious, loud people and things out. It also gives me a quiet place to retreat to when I need to process information or think about how something works or why something is. (This personality trait is probably the real reason I became a philosophy major. Philosophers are often quiet types prefer to think and reflect rather than talk, speechify, share and sell.)
    And you know what? There's nothing wrong with wanting be alone sometimes, wanting to think for a few minutes before I speak, or choosing to observe rather than participate. That's just the way some people are built to explore and experience the world. We will join the party, speak when we're ready, and participate when understand the game or conversation subject. We just need, and enjoy, a little more time to internalize the world than other people do. It's not a flaw. It's a fact, and it's an advantage in many ways.
    Being quiet and observant means it will often take us less time to understand how to do things. We learn from mistakes better and more quickly because we took the time to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid that outcome the next time. It means our arguments are often more structured and reasoned even if our enthusiasm and decibel of speech is not quite as high as someone else's. Those are good things to look for in a person, whether it's a friend, an employee, or a partner.

    This isn't to say that quiet types should try to take over the world and eliminate extroverted, social, talkative types. As always, moderation and balance are important with any two extremes. The point here is that, I'm quiet, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just because I don't act enthusiastic about everything or laugh at your jokes doesn't mean I'm deficient in some way. It just means I'm taking it all in. I experience the world like a game of chess rather than Marco Polo. I reason my way through it rather than feel my way blindly. We need both types of people throughout the world in business, family, and personal areas of our lives.
    I merely want to point out that you don't need to try to pull me out of my shell or try to get me to speak up. I'll come out on my own when I'm good and ready, and I'll speak when I've got something to say.
    This is part one of a series on this topic (I haven't decided how many posts to include in the series just yet). Next time, I'll delve into more examples of how being quiet has shaped my life, and how people have tried to unshape my quietness.

Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.

-Lao Tzu

NOW I Know Why I Became a Philosophy Major

  Marketing is hard work. Philosophy was hard too, but in a completely different way. I had to think my way out of things. I'm fine with that. I like thinking. I'm good at it. Marketing requires talking. It requires enthusiasm. It requires time. These are all things I am not great at. I can write marketing copy, but ask me to do a sales pitch at a meeting or send compelling Facebook status updates, and I can't promise it'll be as good as a short story or an essay on morality I might write.
    I would much rather try to understand why we make decisions based on impulse rather than reason than try to understand which marketing phrase or button color is going make somebody click on a link to buy something.
    I love learning, but learning about marketing doesn't feel learning. It feels like Einstein's definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. While I consider myself both a creative and logical, I don't feel like those qualities help me at all with marketing. It's like you can try ten different methods and they all work, they just only work about 1 percent of the time, so you only get about 10 percent ROI (new term I learned--Return on Investment--learned something, at least!).
    I don't like trying to sell people stuff they don't want. I know most of my family and friends don't want to learn qigong (the freelance project I'm helping my friend with), and most of them don't actually want to read my books either, no matter what they say. That's ok. I don't expect them to. But what would be better is if they share at least some of these ridiculously salesy tweets and links I keep posting to my guest posts and my blogs and my books so that even if they're not interested, maybe someone they know is interested and will stumble upon it with interest.
    One thing I've learned about marketing is to Pay It Forward. If you help Deb out, she'll help Jack out and maybe eventually some of that good karma will come back to you. That is what I'm looking for. A little pay-it-forward. If it really doesn't interest you, and you really don't think the people you know would be interested, then don't share that link. I'm not supporting blind endorsement. That is basically spam. You're probably right if you think the people you know wouldn't be interested. But if it might be interesting to some of your friends, or if there was something about it you liked, then please, share it!
    I'm not afraid to admit that marketing/social media is not my strong suit. I'm ok with that. I'd much rather be a better writer than a better salesperson. In any case, I'm glad I spent my time in college learning philosophy. I would have been miserable trying to understand marketing, economics, or social media for business for four years.

The beat goes on.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

  Hypocrisy runs deep, partly because so many people don't realize they're doing it. We say so many things throughout the day, the week, the years, and it's difficult to keep track of everything we say. In the heat of the moment, especially if we're having an argument or debate with someone, we can say things that we don't mean, that we wouldn't say under normal circumstances. It isn't until later that we realize what we said was contradictory to a belief we held prior.
    Unfortunately, not everybody has this realization. Some people go on contradicting themselves, not realizing they're losing people's confidence in them. These are the true hypocrites--the ones who pay so little attention to what they say or how their words and actions may appear to others that they never realize that they are defeating the very image of themselves they are trying to project.
    In spite of myself, I catch my own hypocrisy from time to time. In trying to win an argument, I sometimes end up changing my mind from the beginning to the end. It's not a conscious choice, or manipulation, but rather ignorance. Ignorance about the issues to the point that I am not allied to one side of things more than the other and I trip over my words.
    Hypocrisy stems from ignorance. We say we agree with one thing, but it's more for the principle of the issue than because we have examined it and honestly hold it to be true. In cases like this, ambivalence, or agnosticism (I mean this in a broad sense), is a better option than risking hypocrisy by allying oneself to side of an issue and then going back on your half-hearted belief.
    The best option is always to examine things. Discuss them, learn about them, get a good grasp on the issue before you automatically say I agree or I disagree. Then, when confronted with it, in an argument or just in your daily life, you can see more clearly the choices you make, the words you choose. You won't have to try so hard to argue your point, because you will know the facts and details of your beliefs so well that you can explain them to anyone.
    I've said it before, I'll say it again: An unexamined life is not worth living. Don't let yourself wander into hypocrisy merely because you have not taken the time to consider the matter thoroughly enough.

Reserve the right to change your mind--just not too often.

Commute or Telecommute - That Is The Question

  If you haven't noticed, and the only way you couldn't have is if you read Insistent and Persistent in an RSS reader rather than directly on the site (though I hope if you do that, you at least visit the site occasionally...), I put a new header at the top of the home page.
    I know the design quality is poor, but what do you expect from a philosophy major with only MS Paint as a tool instead of Adobe Photoshop or Illustrator? My hope is that it will bring a little color to the page :)
    In other news, I got to thinking about working from home today after I read an article on Thought Catalog about the topic. I don't think I'd want to work 40 hours a week from home, because, honestly, I would start buying cookies and ice cream and I'd probably gain another five pounds every month or so. But the thought of working a few hours a week from home is appealing. Maybe two half days or one full day. I wouldn't be interrupted with meetings or drama or crises, and I wouldn't have to drown out my coworkers with my Walkman.
    On the other hand, I wonder whether that is really a good solution to whatever stress or overwhelmed feelings I have, and I know that it probably isn't. Working from home might help relieve some stress, but there are other, better ways to deal with it.
    One is to stop eating so much crap. We eat out so often at work that the only motivation I have to eat out less is financial. I am desperately trying to either eat yesterday's leftovers for lunch or to bring a sandwich and fruit for lunch at least two or three times a week. Also, I really need to quit drinking so much soda, and probably stop having more than the occasional beer (though after the infamous tequila shots incident, I've been damn near abstinent with almost all alcohol).
    The main thing I need to do is stop interneting so much! Of course, I wouldn't cut back on my blogging, but I spend way too much time reading and researching online when I get home, especially considering I spend a lot of my workday online doing the exact same thing. TV is a de-stressor, and reading books are a de-stressor, and writing is a de-stressor for me, but reading news and ads and polls online are all probably doing my mental state more harm than good.
    The last thing I need to do to help my stress levels is to be more active. I'm not a runner or a bicyclist or a tennis player or even a stairmaster user. Because those suck. They're painful, they're not fun, and they make me feel worse, not better, about myself after. Usually because my lung capacity fails me almost immediately. Yoga is the only form of exercise I can stand, but I always give up on it after a while, usually due to time constraints (or since I left school, financial constraints for going to classes). I just have to keep reminding myself that I don't hate it and then make time to do it, which is always hard. Especially with all the interneting.
    My eventual goal was always to be a writer, one that makes money from her writing and can actually make a living at it. But working from home seems to me right now to be just another way to become a recluse. And I like people. Some of them, anyway.

Write More. Read More. Plan More. Critique Less.

Would you work from home if you could? Would you miss anything about going to a workplace?

Discuss it in the comments below! 

Resume Building Is Hard Work!

  I just updated (but still only 80% complete) my LinkedIn profile to include some more skills, past work experience, and a summary, among other things, and I think I've been at it for two or more hours! I'm not looking for another job at the moment, but as volatile as the internet business is, I think it's better to be on the safe side and be 80% prepared in case anything should happen that would put me out of work.
    Needless to say, I was pretty thorough in the parts of it that I completed. I wrote what I think is a rather clever summary (Translation: it may contain too many attempts at humor and not enough actual job experience/information), and I pretty much copy/pasted my coworker's specialties and inserted a few of my own that fit better with my job description. It's probably a damn good thing I didn't start writing this blog until I was employed or 2010 would have been a hell of a depressing year with me talking about the USA Arcade on USANetwork.com, and how unfortunate it was that nobody would give me a chance. Not many people know what the hell to think of some kid who spent four (though technically I finished in 3.5) years in college studying philosophy, let alone people who actually know what you'd study if you studied philosophy.
    I am incredibly content to be employed, though I don't quite make enough to satisfy any apartment landlords application requirements without a cosigner. I get to do interesting things at work, I work with amazing people, and every now and again I get to write or edit or come up with some creative tweak to some design or plan we're working on. I'm not even going to complain about my job, although I could--I always can find something to complain about.
    But back to the resume thing. I do find it rather entertaining that LinkedIn makes completing your profile like a game, where you have to get 100% or you can't win. I suppose job searching and networking is like a game. You have to say these words, and not those ones, have these skills, and be clever or lucky enough to get to the end of it all unscathed. (I couldn't decide between a card game metaphor or a board game metaphor, so I dodged both.)
    So, with my profile 4/5 complete, I think I'll move on to slightly more interesting endeavors this evening for the remaining hour or so that I get to stay up. Some online movies, or Stephen King? Decisions, decisions.

Decision made: No King before bed--King=nightmares!

Unlucky 13

It always seems that Friday the 13th occurs in May or in October. It could be a centuries old ploy for Hollywood to be able to release summer blockbusters and horror movies at strategic times, but since they didn't have movies when the modern calendar system was created, this is unlikely.
    Being a philosophy major, and an overall practical person, I don't like to be superstitious. Or, rather, I don't like to tell people that I'm superstitious. While I have some unusual ones that have their origins in the over-active imagination of my childhood, I also have some of the more common ones. I have a pair of lucky socks. I generally avoid cracks in the sidewalk. I throw spilled salt over my left shoulder. I knock on wood--quite frequently, actually. And I would never walk under a ladder. I do like black cats, though...
    Why would a generally rational and practical person do such ridiculous things? I don't really honestly think it will make a difference if I didn't knock on wood, but the heart of superstition is that "just in case" factor. Just in case I might jinx myself, I knock on wood. And while I don't think my socks are actually lucky, despite having shamrocks and horseshoes all over them, a few lucky things have happened to me while wearing them. However, a few unlucky things have happened to me while wearing them as well. And you'd think that would completely disintegrate my theory about their luckiness, but part of being superstitious is the fact that you ignore the facts. You ignore contrary evidence to your superstition because you'd rather be "safe than sorry" by continuing the behavior than stopping it.
    Another element to this is, perhaps, superstitions give us a feeling of control. We can control our fate by throwing the spilled salt over our shoulder. We can prevent bad luck by knocking on wood. This, of course, is rubbish. But we still do it. Because just in case something bad happens, it wasn't our fault.
    Obsessive compulsive disorder causes superstitious behavior that you can't get rid of. Light switches, door locks, and other commonplace activities take on a new meaning when you have to use them a certain number of times to avoid bad luck.
    I won't go off on a rant here, but much of religion, any religion, contains superstitions up the wazoo. Seriously, people once thought that a woman was a witch if she didn't sink when they threw her in the river. If that's not superstition, I don't know what is.
    I can't say I'm arguing for or against superstition. In some cases, it's harmless. In other cases, if taken too seriously, it can be a little dicey. So, once again, the key is moderation. Superstition, if you really can't avoid it, is permissible, I suppose, as long as it's done in moderation. But if you get to the overkill phase of superstition where you can't leave a room without flicking the light switch 39 times, you may want to consider therapy.

Happy Friday! (I hope.)

Crisis Averted

After being stressed out for about two weeks now, the looming storm on the horizon has disappeared and it's sunny again. Well, maybe sunny with a few clouds.
    So, as promised, I will get into the "stressor number 2" I mentioned last week. (Just to clarify, this is the reason I've been absent and erratic from Insistent and Persistent for the last couple weeks--sorting all this out.) After long deliberation, some of which I've shared here, I've decided not to continue grad school in the fall. There are plenty of reasons behind it, some of which include job prospects after graduation (or rather lack thereof), not enjoying being a teaching assistant (which indicates probably not enjoying teaching in the future), and liking my job more than school. I never thought that would happen, but for now, I consider myself lucky.
    While I realize I have disappointed many people making this decision (a couple of whom I haven't had a chance to tell yet), being young and knowing myself well enough to make pretty good decisions about things, I had to go with the decision that would lead me in the direction I wanted to go, rather than a direction that other people wanted me to go. Sometimes those two are the same, but this time, they aren't, and I couldn't keep doing something that meant more to other people than it did to me.
    So, that's done. It's official. I turned down about 12 grand in financial aid (plus tuition waivers) for nine months of school next year--another thing I never would have thought I could do. Turning down free money is even harder than turning down free food for me. And with that done, I'm down to four weeks of school, not counting finals, of course.
    One of the best parts of finally sharing this decision is that everyone has been really supportive. I had been so worried that they would ask all kinds of questions and demand more explanation than I was prepared to give. So, me being the overachiever that I am, I prepared explanations, as in-depth as I could, to explain my reasoning. But no one did demand that kind of explanation. Not yet, anyway. But the people who needed to know most, the school, and certain family members, know now. I still have to tell the teacher that I TA for--and while I can hope she will have the same optimistic and supportive attitude as everyone else so far has had, I still doubt it.
    A good outcome of this is that I really don't regret this semester, despite the amount of stress and anxiety it has caused me. I don't think I would have known that I didn't want to be in grad school until I had done it and seen what I have seen and learned what I have learned. I'm a big fan of process of elimination, and doing a semester of grad school has shown me that it needs to be eliminated as a possibility for me and my future job prospects. However, it's not completely eliminated. I may still decide to go back, later on sometime, but if that day comes, I will definitely be applying to a different program. As much as I like philosophy, I never saw myself with a career in it.
    Although I never had the idea that the particular job I have currently would be anything more than a temporary place for me to earn money until I got my financial aid to finish graduate school, I'm glad that it has turned into more than that. A place with good people, good opportunities, and satisfying and challenging work. I'm not counting on doing it forever, or being at the same company forever, but in the meantime, I think--and desperately hope--that I've made the right choice. I get to be a grown up for the first time in my life, and for once, the idea doesn't completely terrify me.

Live and learn.

No Regrets

Most things seem to happen for no apparent reason at all. But some things work out perfectly every once in a while, as if by design. People who have regrets don't believe this. People who have regrets are also people who blame someone else for what happened to them.
    It may be childish or fantastical, but I think it's nice to think that some things happen for a reason, even if they don't work out the way you originally had in mind. We're only human and sometimes our design isn't fully thought out or doesn't take certain things into account. But the universe, whether you want to call it that, or God, or destiny, can see things from every angle and see the game 20 moves ahead. For this reason, the universe can arrange things to play out perfectly from time to time. Sometimes, it takes us some time to realize that it was for the best that things happened in such a way.
    Pessimists and regretful people have a tendency not to see things as having worked out for the best. Maybe it's self-importance, wanting things to go their way or the highway, or maybe it's just closed-mindedness, that if things didn't go a certain way, they went the wrong way. It's unfortunate, because if you only look at the world from that perspective, you end up missing out on some of the beautiful and amazing, if unexpected, things that happen.
    I find regrets to be a waste of time. Regrets mean that you focus on something that happened in the past, and if that is still eating away at you, weeks or months or years later, part of you is being wasted and consumed by something that shouldn't matter anymore. It only still has bearing on your life because you allow it to. While my life has certainly not gone according to any plans I made at any point--eight years ago, I was going to move to New York when I was 18 and be a writer, and that didn't happen--I can't say that I regret anything that's happened to me or that I've done.
    Other people, were they in my shoes, might regret some of the things in my life. I spent three and a half years on a degree that didn't help me get a job very easily. But I did get a job. A great job that I really enjoy. It has absolutely nothing to with my degree, but I never expected to go into philosophy after all. I expected to have a bachelor's degree, some more knowledge than I started with, and to be a more well-rounded person, and that's all true. So how can I possibly regret something that put me in a good place in my life, even if it took a little longer than expected? Answer: I don't.
    There are plenty of other things that could have thrown me off track and made me regret that they happened or changed me in a way I didn't want to be changed. But even all the bad things that have happened, all the things that went wrong thus far in my young life, put me where I am today and prepared me for other things I would face. They made me stronger, and for that, I can't really regret those things either. Even if they sucked when they happened, I can't really blame anyone for what happened, even if a person was the catalyst that caused that particular event to happen. Blame is a by-product of regret, and if you don't regret anything, you can't blame anyone for where you are today or what has happened to you up until now.
    As they say, you can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, and sometimes the things that don't go according to plan are the eggs that the universe breaks to help you make your omelet. (That came out so much cheesier than I meant it to, but oh well.) Next time something goes wrong, give it a chance to work itself out before automatically writing it off as the universe being out to screw you over again. That seemingly unfortunate, unexpected event may lead to something great.

Sing in the rain.