Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Getting Back on the Horse

  It's been a rough week. Not only am I behind where I expected to be on my editing, but I'm getting that itch to write again, and it's really difficult to choose to finish editing one book instead of jumping into writing another one. As much as I enjoy editing most of the time, I am a storyteller at heart, and I still prefer to write.
   Aside from that, I've been dealing with some other stuff at home. I keep looking over my finances trying to figure out if I have the money to be able to move out any time soon. Unfortunately, I think I'm about $250 short on monthly income to be able to do that comfortably.
    I was feeling sick for a while there too, and it gave me an excuse to put a few things on the back burner, including the blogs.
    The biggest hit came last week. My relationship ended just shy of my 7 year anniversary. It threw a major wrench into my motivation, and most of the weekend was spent in pajamas with plenty of Netflix, Ally McBeal, and sugary food.
    Somehow, in spite of my sugar jones, I managed to stick to my calorie counting and I'm down 10 pounds since the New Year when I first started, which is amazing to me. I haven't been at this weight since high school and it's kind of incredible to think that I finally succeeded in coming this far.
    I didn't really want to talk about the split because I think it hasn't completely hit me. Much of the time we were together was spent communicating long-distance, so I'm used to not seeing him that often. I think what I felt above all was confusion: I didn't see it coming, and that was probably what caused the biggest shock and hurt. Every relationship has obstacles, but we've come so far over the past few years and we've worked through so many things in that time that I expected to be able to continue working through it.
    On the one hand, there's a part of me that would love to vilify him and shout it from the rooftops what a horrible, cowardly, lying two-faced a-hole he is, but I still haven't processed it and made up my mind about how I feel about it yet, so I don't want to be the petty or vengeful one. I would like to think I'm better than that, no matter how much pain it caused me.
    You should know this is a big improvement from how I felt Friday (when it happened). I was ready to sue for emotional damages--seriously. I wasn't expecting to get more than a couple video game consoles out it, but it seemed like a plausible idea at the time.
    At first, I had every intention of trying to stay friends. It seemed like such a strange idea to sever ties completely after 7 years, but the more I think about what happened, what he said and how it ended, I'm not sure I want to stay in touch. The worst part is that if we don't see each other anymore, I won't get to see his family either, whom I consider good people and good friends. I'm sure I'd still be welcome there, but I also feel like I might be looked at differently. Not as a villain or anything, but maybe a bit pathetic and or pitiful.
    As of now, several days later, I don't feel incredibly upset or angry, but I'm still a little confused and still a little unsure about things. I'm trying to take it one hour, sometimes one minute, at a time, and that's been helpful for me. It hasn't helped me get anything done, but it has kept me from losing my shit for the most part.
    I think overall, I feel hopeful. There were a lot of things that didn't always make sense in that relationship, things that fall into the "opposites attract" category. Now, I'm trying to focus on the future, on the possibilities, and to stay hopeful that I will find my way to better things. Career-wise and relationship-wise.
Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks.
-Tom Petty

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