Friday, April 15, 2011

OK, OK, I Surrender!!

Got quite a lot of responsibility laid on me today. It's a little terrifying. On the one hand, I'm fairly confident that I can handle it. I'm responsible to a fault, if there is such a thing, and I feel like I am constantly taking it upon myself to memorize other people's schedules and remind them to do the stuff they need to do too. This is somewhat ironic as I seem to have a horrible memory sometimes. I have a thought and twenty seconds later, it's gone. Sometimes it comes back, and sometimes it doesn't. And yet, scheduling, time management, keeping track of other people, these things make sense to me and stick in my head. I'll remember your dentist appointment on Tuesday, but I can't remember what I wanted to ask you five seconds ago. Oh well. Can't win 'em all.
    However, I have been thinking a lot about these new responsibilities, and the prospect of acting like a productive member of society, being a grown-up, and it's starting to scare me again. I enjoy paying my bills (gasp!), and taking care of myself, even if I'm still not that great at it, but I am still 22 for another week, and some of these adult things and responsibilities seem beyond me. It's not because I am incapable of handling them at my tender age, but because I simply don't want them.
    I enjoy having a little bit of freedom, and I enjoy having a little more say over what I will and will not do. I know I can manage these new things that will soon be a part of my life and what I do, but I wish I could delay them for a while. I still feel like a kid in many ways, and while part of me wants the grown-up stuff so people will quit treating me like a kid, the other part of me wants to keep some of that childlike innocence and enthusiasm. You're only young once, and I don't feel like I've taken complete advantage of that ideal. Yet. I'm working on it.
    Maybe the fear of having to take on these new responsibilities is just a fear of change. I think everyone has a fear of change in some respect; probably because the familiar is already programmed into our brains and having to learn something new--a new routine, a new process, a new person--means more effort and more screw-ups while that learning gets programmed in.
    Yes, I am comparing us to machines by saying our brains require programming, but that is not to say that choice no longer exists. I made the choice to accept these responsibilities, so, for better or worse, I will dive into them head on. If they prove to be beyond my physical and mental capacity, or if they turn out be ill-fitting for the direction I see myself headed in, then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. But in the meantime, it's Friday, the playoffs are on, and I get to sleep in tomorrow. I think a little congratulations are in order for surviving yet another week and coming out on the other side with my poor addled brain still intact and functional.
Cheers, na zdrowie, bottoms up, and salud.
Happy Weekend to One and All.

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